I want to have your abortion
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
