I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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