you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
He felt like a one man threesome
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
