Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
