I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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