The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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