I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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