i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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