i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
