he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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