i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
