Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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