just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
