So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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