I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
