Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
