Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
