I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I checked into jail on foursquare
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
