Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
