he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
