you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
