Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Can you bring me the toilet please
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Randomize
