My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
