You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
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