I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
