so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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