I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
