Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Sext me about skeletons
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
