Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
