she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
