Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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