i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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