He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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