I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
