Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Every concussion has its silver lining
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
