I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
