we're chasing vodka with high fives
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
