I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
