I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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