He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
