god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
