did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
