You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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