1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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