Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
