If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
