I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
