I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
