if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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