If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
